It's mad cold on this soundstage. But yo, these endorsements deals don't run by themselves. Tryna stay warm, but they got me in this flimsy towel to film. To top it off, this groupie dude wants an autograph.
"Your name’s Art, you said, right? Here you go, my dude."
I was made for the camera. I wasn't always, though. Tall and doofy, the girls would call me. But for real. Sometimes when I see my pictures after the shoots, I wanna kiss me. Who doesn't?
"Okay. I’m ready for this," I say when the producer gives me the eye. She's cute. In a smart chick kinda way. I think it's the glasses. Like a naughty librarian. But she already lost points 'cause her hair is this big nappy afro. When she catches me looking at it, she narrows her eyes like she can tell what I'm thinking. I think she's gonna cuss me out, but instead she yells ACTION!
"They call me Hot Rod, cause I'm fast, I'm sleek, and I have the meanest jump shot this side of the solar system. And they love me. Love my walk. Love my gift of talk. And this smile? Awww man. In that Barack Obama stratosphere. They. Love. Me. Know when they really love me? When I rock this Hot Rod Body Spray for men. Turns the swag up from 0 to 60 in one second flat."
In one take, I put it down. There aren't going to be six, seven, eight shots of the same thing when I'm here. One shot. Even if the lines are lame.
"Good job, lil' Writer Guy!" I know he hates when I call him that. He hates it more that I fling my towel on top of his head. "Ay Gato. My Auntie Rhona call back yet?"
My assistant Gato is no joke. I knew he wasn't gonna just sit there and wait for her to call back. He's on everything. My right and left hand, as far as I'm concerned. Aww man, I'm hyped that Auntie Rhona and Uncle Dub are coming to the game. I wonder if Rabbit will come, too. I ain't seen that girl in ages.
"Gato, I gotta give you a raise. This Tom Ford suit is fresher than fresh. Tell him I said so." Gato only nods at me, but the last time I told him to give Tom Ford a message, I had seats at his next show.
I'm going to lunch at Nobu with this Victoria's Secret model Salina Murphy. I don't really know her. I just seen her in passing at some fashion party and she put her number in my pocket.
Gato keeps reminding me to be a gentleman. And that the cameras are going to be rolling. Pssh.
"Dude. Worries don't knock on my front door. She’s gonna love me. Everybody loves me. They love the crowds I bring, the twenty percent in fees, the cars and houses, the first-class suites. And these low class tricks love my first class treats…"
Ha. Hope the camera wasn't rolling.
I really should be careful what I say. I ain't got too many more chances left and people always watching me.
Man, I don't even care who's watching. I just want to see my family.